The Only Thing Certain Is Change (Part II)

Ok, where was I? Oh, yes yes... I called Skip. My mom was shocked. I thought the whole thing was done. Until a few months ago...

I happened to be on one of my usual phone calls with my mom when she sounded a little... odd. I could tell something was up just by the tone of her voice. She finally got the courage up to spill the beans and let me know that something was definitely going on. Here's how it went down:

Her: I need to tell you something.
Me: *nervous laugh* Okaaaay.
Her: I've sort of been talking to someone.
Me: How do you sort of talk? Do you just make sounds without moving your lips? Or do you actually move your lips without making any sounds?
Her: You know what I mean. Stop being a smart aleck.
Me: Sorry, sorry. Ok, who have you been moving your lips at?
Her: Tonya! I'm being serious.
Me: Ok ok, sorry. I'm being serious now too. *ahem* Who?
Her: Well... I saw in the paper a while ago that Skip and his wife filed for divorce.
Me: WHAT?!
Her: So, I called him. He didn't answer, but I left a message with my number and he called me right back. We've been talking every day for hours and we want to get together in person.

Ok, enough of the back and forth... you get the idea. And now you see what my family has to deal with. I really am a smart aleck. Anyways... I knew when I called him a year and a half ago that he was married. I had no intention of influencing that in any way. I instantly felt like a horrible person. A home wrecker. I was sure that my phone call was the reason they were divorcing.

My mom assured me that that was not the case. Apparently, they had been separated for over a year and his wife finally decided to file. They had been living in Florida together but she (Skip's wife) moved back to Ohio and filed there. That's how my mom saw it in the paper. So, apparently, it wasn't my fault afterall (whew!). I felt better, but not quite ok with the whole thing.

So, then she proceeds to tell me that instead of coming up to visit us this summer as previously planned, she wants to fly to Florida and visit the man who broke her heart 30 years ago. Uh... what? Now, before I sound like a selfish five year old who doesn't want to share her candy with her bratty cousin who only visits on holidays, let me explain to you why this upset me so much.

My father has always chosen his wife (previous and/or current) over me. When I was a child, I never got to see him because she wouldn't allow it. And now, he won't come up and visit us because his new wife would rather go visit HER family and apparently they cannot be separated for longer than a few moments. This has been a painful occurrence that I have had to deal with my whole life. I never, not once, ever expected to be treated the same way by my mother. Ever.

Now, I could completely understand if we lived in the same town, or even the same state, and saw each other often. But, we do not. She sees me and my children only once a year. And during those annual visits, has only stayed for two weeks at the most. Mind you, she works in the school system so she has her summers off, but absolutely refuses to give us more than two weeks of it. Suddenly, she's trading her two weeks with us for FOUR weeks with Skip. A man she hasn't laid eyes on in THIRTY YEARS. Is it making more sense to you now?

In fact, she called me to tell me that even though we had already agreed and planned for her to come up here and visit her grandchildren that she rarely sees, she's decided to fly to Florida instead and that maybe, just maybe, she would make it up here later in the summer. She hoped I would understand. Yep, I sure do! I definitely see where her priorities are and it's painfully obvious that they're not with her daughter, son in law, and grandchildren.

Since she's been in Florida, I've talked to her a few times. Most of the time she teases me for a few minutes that she has run off and married Skip. She thinks it's funny. I don't. I almost always find myself crying after we hang up. It's not a joke to me. If she wants to marry him, fine. I would prefer to meet him first. And I don't think that's too much to ask. I want to see him myself. See how they interact with one another. Make sure that he's reciprocating her feelings and this isn't a one sided relationship based on 30 years of heartbreak and what could have been's.

So, on to the 'change' part. The biggest change will be that my mom is in a relationship with a man for the first time in 30 years. That's a big deal. As I said before, I have never seen her with a man in a romantic setting. Ever. Well, at least not that I can remember. The next thing I have already seen changing is the way my mom interacts with me and my family. She's already blown us off for the summer. Yeah, she's not coming up later this summer (after she gets home from Florida) like she said when she changed the summer plans the first time. She said she would come up after she visited Florida. Come to find out, she's not leaving Florida as scheduled. She's skipping her flight all together and they're driving back to Ohio later this month. Yes, I said "they're". He's coming too. He's going to live with her for the school year. In my house. The house my mom rents from us. Without being married. And without asking us if that's ok.

Instead, she wants to come up and visit us for Thanksgiving. Ok, so, let's totally scrap the two weeks she promised in summer... when the kids most look forward to having her here... because it happens every summer... and let's trade it for a 4 day weekend when I'll spend most of the time cooking and cleaning, and traveling to pick up/drop off my stepkids. Oh, and let's not even ask if that's ok. Let's just make the plans and go ahead with it. Want to?

Do I sound a tad miffed? Hmmm... wonder why?

The Battle

4:12 am - Body wakes up. Thirsty and must pee.
4:13 am - Brain tries to convince Body to sleep through it.
4:14 am - Body doesn't want to hear it. Must. Pee. Now.
4:20 am - Body handles it's business and goes back to bed.
4:22 am - Brain starts talking.
4:30 am - Brain won't shut up.
4:40 am - Brain thinks it would be nice to hear some music.
4:41 am - Brain starts to play a little Stevie Wonder.
4:42 am - Body is starting to get miffed.
4:50 am - Body starts tossing and turning.
4:51 am - Brain is laughing. Turns up Stevie's microphone.

5:11 am - Body is still trying to shut brain up and return to the sweet bliss of slumber.
5:12 am - Brain ain't havin' it.
5:20 am - Body promises Brain a good book later if it will behave and SHUT UP.
5:21 am - Brain declines.
5:22 am - Brain decides to add a little Bruce Springsteen to the morning music mix.
5:24 am - Body wants to kill Brain.
5:25 am - Brain sends shooting pains to Body's left leg as a reminder of who is in control.
5:26 am - Body is now thoroughly pissed.

5:40 am - Body pleads with Brain to let it sleep.
5:41 am - Brain laughs maniacally and thinks it would be fun to add Barry Manilow to the party.

5:46 am - Body gives up, gets out of bed, and gets a blueberry muffin.
5:47 am - Brain is victorious.
5:50 am - Body hates Brain. Threatens to starve it to death.
5:54 am - Brain shoots Body in the leg. Again.

6:13 am - (time of this post) Body is fully awake. Brain is sleepy.
6:14 am - Body and Brain are both grumpy now. Oh happy day.

The Only Thing Certain Is Change (Part I)

Ain't that the truth?! Just when you go and get used to how things are, they change and you're forced to accept, adapt, and move on. Most of the time I'm pretty good with change. Change can be refreshing. Exciting. An improvement, even. Other times, not so much. Change can be scary. Intimidating. And, did I mention scary?

Like I said, most of the time, I'm pretty adaptable. Change doesn't ordinarily bother me or cause too big of a ruckus in my life. However, something in my life is changing and I'm really struggling with it.

Here's the story:

My parents divorced when I was just two. I saw my dad a handfull of times throughout my life and to this day have a strained relationship with him. For the majority of my life, it was always just my mom and me. We were buddies. Always together like Peas & Carrots. PB & J. Macaroni & Cheese. I think you get the point.

After my parents divorced, my mother dated a man named Skip for a while. I can't say how long because I was so young. I have a few vague memories of him but nothing too significant. I remember that I loved him and I remember that I missed him when he left.

Needless to say, after the divorce from my father and the painful breakup with Skip, my mother never remarried. She didn't want what had happened to her to happen to me. She was abused sexually and physically by her stepfather when she was a little girl. Throughout my childhood, and even until now, I never saw her with a man. She never dated. She never talked on the phone to any man.

She did spend the rest of her life, until this day, pining after Skip. I'm being totally honest when I say that she spoke of him often. Cried over him more than I care to remember. And prayed for him to come back to her more than is probably healthy for any human to do. Not that prayer isn't healthy, but you know what I mean. Anyways, for years and years, she loved this man with her whole heart.

She told me a story recently that when I was young - maybe 10 or so - I had called a friend of our family who remained in contact with Skip through the years. I had told this friend that I wanted her to call him and have him come back. It would be my mommy's birthday soon and I wanted to give her Skip as a gift. See? Even in my youth I was cooler than cool. ;) Kidding.

About a year and a half ago, my mom was up for a visit. We were sitting and talking, just the two of us, as we had done countless times before. She mentioned Skip's name... again. I saw the glimmer of hope in her eyes that maybe, just maybe, God would be gracious enough to grant her prayer. I don't know what came over me, but I picked up my laptop and did a search for him. I found his phone number and called him. While my mom sat staring at me in disbelief. I know. It was maybe the craziest thing I've ever done.

I told him I just wanted to see how he was after all these years. I told him a little about my life and that we live in Minnesota. I didn't share any contact information, or even my married name, and he didn't ask. It was a fairly short, but pleasant conversation as I could tell I had completely caught him off guard. After we hung up, I had a hard time convincing my mom that I had actually spoken with him. She thought I had played a horrible joke on her... because I do that often. Really.

I wrote his name and number on a piece of paper, folded it up, and handed it to her. I don't know why. It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time. After that moment, I figured it was done. I didn't expect to hear another word about it again.

That's exactly what happened until a few short months ago...

Here we gooooooooooo!

Yesterday, we closed on our home improvement loan. *screams* I almost can't believe it. We are so in debt right now I almost can't breathe. *chokes*

Here's the plan:

1. Finish cleaning up the basement from the demo we've already done.
2. Patch the rock walls down there to make sure there won't be any leaks.
3. Slather on the Dry-Lok... again for the leaky stuff.
4. Move up to the main floor --- remove all furnishings and put them on the 2nd floor.
5. Remove all carpeting. We'll just be rolling it all up and laying it back down when we're done... until we can afford to put in the flooring we really want.
6. Remove all drop ceilings and throw them away. I hate drop ceilings.
7. Remove all trim and baseboards making sure to label them so they can go right back where they were. Again, until we can afford to replace them with what we want.
8. Tear the heck out of the exterior walls - removing all sheetrock, plaster, lath and any remnants of insulation that are there.

Now, this is where it gets fuzzy for me. I don't know if we're blowing in the spray foam insulation and putting the walls back together on the main floor first, or if we're going to do steps 4 - 8 on the 2nd floor first. Regardless, you get the idea of what's going to be happening in my neck of the woods for the next several months. I know you're jealous. Try not to be.

Hey, batta, batta!

Sa-wing, Batta!

We've been looking for a home church for a loooooong time now. We've tried several in the area but keep going back to one, in particular. This past Sunday we found ourselves back there again. The kids really enjoy it and we both (my hubs and me) feel comfortable there. They made an announcement Sunday morning that they had been challenged to a softball game that would be held Monday night (actually last night). My ears perked up.

The hubs and I have been discussing joining a softball league for a while now. In fact, I had contacted a friend of mine to see if she knew of any area leagues. From what I understand, most of the adult leagues are associated with local bars. We just don't want our kids around bar flies.

So, I suggested we go out and see if they would let us play. The hubs and I had a little back and forth about it since we've only been to that church a handfull of times. I pretty much declared that we should go and if they didn't let us play, we should take our ball and leave the field. Mature, I know.

Well, apparently my argument won him over because we ended up at the ball field. We fed our guts with DQ greasy burgers and onion rings before hand. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but by the end of the 2nd inning, my stomach was staging a revolt against me and my bright ideas.

Regardless of my innerds, can I just say that I had a blast!? I played 2nd base and did a pretty good job for someone who has never played softball before. My poor hubs was stuck in left field and easily ran what equates to a marathon whilst chasing balls. He only fell once, but looked oh so good as he gracefully executed the very suave 'tuck and roll' move. I was impressed.

I got a couple hits while up to bat, but sadly, lost the race that ensued... you know, the one between my legs making it to first and the pitcher's ability to throw the ball to the base. I even tried a couple of sly distraction moves (ie flailing my arms wildly and yelling NO NO NO) in an attempt to touch base before the ball. It worked once, but then they were on to me.

All in all, it was a great time. We made some new friends - whose names now escape me. Oh, and apparently this is going to be an every Monday night thing for a while. So, you know where we'll be. *wink*

To-Do Lists

My husband and I are gearing up to get really going on the renovation project. We've been waiting for some funds to go through before we could go any farther. Everything is starting this week.

He says to me, "How do you want me to give you your To-Do Lists?" Of course, I had a few immediate ideas. *snicker* See... he recognizes that I do not like to be bossed and he knows that I get downright ticked off when I feel like I'm being bossed. So, he's asked me to come up with some ideas as to how I would prefer he let me know what my daily tasks are regarding the upcoming events.

Here's what I came up with so far:

• Each task can be written with icing on a yummy brownie. When I finish the job, I eat the brownie.
• Place each task in a bottle and set it out to sea, when I make my way to the coast, I'll pick it up and give it a gander.
• Write the tasks on little pieces of paper and tie them to the butts of butterflies. Set them free and if they come back to me, I'll do them.
• Buy me one of those cool talking birds. Tell him what you want me to do and then he can tell me. Repeatedly.
• Hire one of those airplane writer guys to write the tasks in the sky.
• Adopt a chimpanzee who knows sign language. Sign the tasks to him and then he can sign them to me. Of course, you'd have to get me some sign language classes first.

I think those are sufficient choices for him. Don't you?

Stop Scaring Me!

My husband loves scary movies. Me? Not so much.

He is forever trying to get me to watch freaky, scary movies like the SAW series, or The Grudge or any other insane, make-me-pee-myself flic. Last night was no different. Here's how it went down:

Me: Hey, wanna watch a movie?

Him: Sure! Let's watch A Haunting in Connecticut.

Me: Nooooooooooooooo. It's scary.

Him: Awww, c'mon! You never want to watch scary movies.

Me: I know. They're scary!

Him: It's not that bad. Let's watch it.

Me: Why are you always picking scary movies? Why can't you pick nice movies? Like ones that are about unicorns pooping rainbows?

Him: HAHAHAHAAA HAHAAA HA HA HA. HA.

Why can't we all just grow up?

My husband and I have been trying to discuss our step daughter's wishes with her mother... to no avail. She has decided it best to stick her head in the sand and ignore the whole thing in hopes that it will all just go away. Really?

I am so incredibly frustrated with this situation it physically pains me. I just don't understand how people can go through life dealing with things by NOT dealing with them. It really makes no sense to me.

It's not what she wants. I get that. It doesn't change the fact that it's what Nadia wants. And really, I could see trying to prevent it if my husband and I were abusive, cracked-out, alcoholics... but, we're not. Sorry to dissapoint.

We're pretty normal people. My husband works hard to bring home the bacon and I fry it up in the pan. I stay home taking care of the house and the children so that all my husband has to worry about is working. My kids know that they are loved. Just ask them. Go ahead.

We have rules here... lots of them! Like, chores before playtime... homework before chores... we even limit the amount of time they spend in front of electronics so as not to permanently fry their brains. See? We're smart.

In all seriousness... I get why she wouldn't want her daughter to live apart from her. But, she's not going to live with Jeffrey Dahmer... she wants to live with her father, her stepmom, and her two sisters. She has some pretty good reasons for wanting to live with us if she would just listen to her! But, no.

Instead, she chooses to have hurt feelings, to harbor anger toward all of us... including her daughter, and not discuss it in the hopes that it will all go away.

Do you smell that? *sniff sniff* Smells like court to me!

First Camping Trip

Ok, I managed to dig out my camera and get the pics off it. We really didn't take too many pictures while we were there. Apparently we were having too much fun. In all seriousness, we really did have a great time together. Everyone got along famously and Princess Ivy's expectations remained in check for the most part. She did much better than I anticipated.

So, without further ado...

This is our new tent, purchase on sale at Walmart for $78! Hubs and I slept on a queen size air mattress on the right side, the three girls slept on their mats and sleeping bags on the left side and the boy & his dog slept in the middle. We fit perfectly.

We had a very nice campfire area. We had a great time sitting around the fire at night, roasting marshmallows, making s'mores, and telling stories about a family similar to ours... only they had special powers and were super heroes. "The Gas Man", "The Cooker", "Stretch", "The Dazzler", "The Mouth", and "Taffy"... I'm sure we'll all giggle about that for a long time to come.

Here you see our dog, Skippy Joe, chillin under the pine tree. He loved being outside so much! I had to do a bit of research to figure out how to remove all the pine sap from his belly and legs. Hopefully, his coat will return to normal soon.

Ivy 'all smiles' while fishing. I can't believe how much she loves fishing. I would have thought she would be grossed out by the sheer ickiness of it. Alas, she has surprised me again!

Lily, who is currently in the lead for the most fish caught, is loving every minute of it!

Nadia, also having a super fun time catching the fishes.

Christian, being blinded by my good looks... errr... the sun. Poor kid spent more time uncatching the fish the girls caught and baiting hooks than he did fishing. He's a good big brother, though.

My incredibly handsome husband. After six years of marriage, I'm still head over heels for him.

I love this picture. It's the fishing dock at McCarthy Beach and my family fishing off it. Left to right: Nadia, Christian, Lily, Dan, and Ivy. They're my whole world.

Here we are wading in the lake. I was trying to coax Skippy into the water. He's never been swimming and I know that is a natural instinct dogs have. You can't see it in this small picture, but in the larger version, his eyes are wide and full of terror. Poor dog.

Ivy laughing hysterically at Skippy as he walked backwards out of the lake. He refused to turn around. Weird dog.

Skippy FINALLY swimming. I had to take him way out in the lake before he would do it. He's a big boy now.

Here we are, minus Dan as he was holding the camera. Christian, Ivy, Nadia, Me, and Lily.

So, there you have it. The very first Robb camping trip. We all survived.

New Development...

Pardon my laziness in not posting about the camping trip. I now have a very ucky summer cold that is currently causing me to feel as if setting my hair a'blaze would make my head feel better. I have no idea where my camera is, so that post will have to wait until I feel well enough to find it.

On to the new development...

My step daughter, age 11, has been dropping comments about wishing she could live with us full time for just over a year now. She even told my mom last summer that she would rather live with us. This past weekend, while camping together as a family, she finally made her wishes be known to everyone. We (my husband and I) had never put too much weight on her wishes prior to this weekend because it felt as though they were just passing comments. This weekend, however, was much different.

She was very adamant that she wants to be here. With us. Full time. She spent hours talking with us about what things would change in her world if it happened. She explained the reasons that she wants to live with us as well as an eleven year old girl can. The big reasons are:

• There are more rules at our house and she likes that. (WHAT?!) She said she knows what to expect day to day and what is expected of her. She knows what she can do and what she can't do and knowing all these things make her feel more comfortable and at ease.
• Our family is very tight-knit and close with one another. We spend lots of time together every day and we do lots of activities together as a family. She feels like an important part of a family here and at her mother's house, she explained that everyone basically does their own thing. They are all individuals with different likes and that leaves her alone in her room, a lot.
• At our house, she has 2 younger sisters. At her mother's house, she has an older brother and a younger brother. Her mom is very much a tom-boy. Their house is full of testosterone and everything that comes along with it. We do plenty of 'girly' things here at our house because I'm pretty 'girly' and so are my daughters. Her mother doesn't cook. I cook every day and have at least one child by my side when I'm doing it.

There were several other less-important reasons that she listed, like she wants to go to school with Ivy (they'll both be in middle school). And she wants to be the oldest child instead of the middle child. And she's lived with her mom her whole life and now wants to live with us.

We told her that as long as this is her wish, we will do everything in our power to make it happen. She spoke with her mother about it last night and, of course, all hell broke loose. Poor kid. Her mother had the audacity to say some very nasty things and basically tried to guilt her into not wanting to live here. I say 'tried' because it didn't work! It only succeeded in making Nadia angry. She was very upset at what her mother said and understandably so!

I spoke with her this morning and she cried. I listened intently when she explained what happened. I asked her if she wanted to continue or if she would prefer to just leave things as they are. I made sure to tell her that she can back down at any moment because I understand just how hard this can be for her. She piped up and told me that she wanted to come now more than ever. Her mother really angered her and only succeeded in pushing her away.

Her mother sent my husband a rather nasty email this morning. Of course, my husband responded in a very mature, but extremely articulate way. He outlined his points very well. I spent my morning calling attorney after attorney. It appears that in the eyes of a judge, an eleven year old is not mature enough to tell a judge what she wants. At least, the judge won't put any weight on what she says at this age.

So, basically, we can take her to court if we want to. But we'll lose the case and about $5,000.00! I really don't care about the money as much as I care about Nadia's happiness. I would hate to spend that money knowing we don't have a chance in heck of winning.

I'm really angry about this. There have been so many instances where my husband has had no say or very little say in any of this business with his ex simply because he's the man. It's ridiculous! So what if Nadia is not being abused... GOOD! I'm glad she doesn't have a terrible life over there, but does that negate the fact that she still would rather be with us? That's unfair. Really unfair.

Courts, judges, and ex-wives SUCK ROCKS.

A Camping We Will Go...

We're preparing to take our first camping trip as a family this weekend. Six of us and a dog crammed in a tent. Don't be jealous.

My youngest two daughters have never been camping before. Sheltered children, I know. We're working toward exposing them to more things. It's been difficult allowing ourselves to splurge on things like camping equipment when we seem to move once every two years or so. It appears that we're finally in a place (financially speaking and geographically speaking) that we feel comfortable enough to do it. Mercifully, camping gear is a one time purchase.

We've reserved the campsite at McCarthy Beach State Park. It's not far from where we live. Check in is at 4pm tomorrow. I have no idea if that is the norm as far as campgrounds go. It seems like a later check in time gives you less time to get settled in and ready for dinner. Setting up the tent should be a sight to behold. I haven't set up a tent in at least 10 years. I really hope the instructions are in English.

I have had to explain what camping means to my eldest daughter. She often has delusions of grandeur and very high expectations when it comes to doing something new. At some point in her life, she has determined herself to be "Ivy: Princess of All and One Who Should Be Put Above The Rest". So, I'm sure somewhere in her princess-head, she thinks camping will be nonstop entertainment for her. I did my best to explain that camping has some exciting times (usually when an unexpected storm rolls in at 2am and your tent blows away with you inside making you acutely aware that you are no longer in Kansas... errr Minnesota) but that, for the most part, it's a relaxing time to just hang out with your family and friends. I really hope she heard me or she'll be in for a big surprise this weekend.

I shall report back with photos as to the survival of the 6 of us and our dog, who, by the way, has also never been camping.

Being a Godly Wife...

Sometimes it's just really hard for me to be the wife God calls me to be. It's not that my husband doesn't deserve it. He does. It's not even that I can't do it. I can. It's that I'm a stubborn and often selfish human.

When we first got married it was so much easier for me. I wanted to please him all the time. I lived each day to make his day a better one.

Now, just over six years later, I have my own things to accomplish. My own responsibilities. I sometimes see what I'm doing as more important than being his helpmate. That is where I'm screwing up. It's not that what I'm doing isn't important. It's that he is more important than what I'm doing.

I used to look for ways to do special things for him... unexpected things. When I packed his lunch, I wrote him a note and included a Bible verse for him. I can't remember the last time I did that. I don't know why I stopped. It makes me sad to think that he may be wondering the same thing... "She used to do this and now she doesn't."

I thank God every day that He brought us together. We really are meant for one another and generally get along very well. I try not to take him for granted. I really do. I try to tell him every day how much I love him and appreciate all he does for me and our family. He truly is a wonderful man. I am proud to be married to him.

I want to do better though. I want to go back to the days of anticipating his needs and placing those needs before mine. I want to be sure that he knows I'm doing everything I can to make his life easier because he deserves that much.

Here's to me being the wife God called me to be...

What's my motivation?

Lately I have been overcome with the lazy-bug. I just cannot seem to get my rump moving! I have been perfectly content to sit here in my big, overstuffed recliner with my laptop buzzing in my lap. I'm not doing anything in particular on this thing. In fact, it feels like I'm waiting for something to happen.

You can't wait for something to happen! You have to MAKE something happen, right? What am I doing with my life? I'm wasting it for no good reason.

We're planning this huge renovation that will start in just a few short weeks. Maybe I'm resting in anticipation of not resting for the remainder of the summer? ;) Likely story.

Ok, ok... I'm getting up. I'm going to be productive today if it kills me!

Pizza Ranch

We went out to eat at the Pizza Ranch this evening. For those of you who have no idea what that is, it's a buffet style pizza joint. It's not just pizza either! They have some of the best fried chicken ever. Ivy and I are huge fans of the cactus bread (dessert pizza). I bet we go there once a month or so.

The very first time we ate at the Pizza Ranch, the girls were 4 and 5, I believe. They had such a great time picking their own food. Ivy was finally able to express a little independence with her dinner and she was living it up. Just as we were all about finished eating, Ivy leaned way back in her chair and moaned that her tummy hurt. Like any concerned mother would do, I asked why it hurt. She replied, "I ate too much." Again, I asked, "Why did you eat so much?" She cocked her head and raised her eyebrow at me, then blurted out, "It's a BUFFET!" duh.

Tonight, my husband and I were commenting on the 'Carb Queen' (aka Lily) and her heaping plate of complex carbohydrates: bread sticks, mashed potatoes, and potato chips. I pointed out that it isn't just Lily who is addicted to carbs. Ivy has one serious sweet tooth! My husband says, "You're right. They're BOTH carb queens. One is simple and one is complex." After a moment of thought, Lily looked up at her dad and said, "Am I the simple one?"

She's lucky she has no idea what she asked. Had she been just a few years older, we would have never let her live that down. Oh heck, who am I kidding? We'll be calling her 'simple' forever now!

Kid Funnies

I truly believe I have some of the funniest kids on this planet. Some of the things they say and do leave my husband and me in hysterics. Allow me to share with you just a few samples of things that have happened over the years...

I recently took the girls with me on my normal 2 mile walk. I realize 2 miles is a long way for anyone, but the girls impressed me. They kept up with me fairly well and we only had to stop twice to rest. We were just a few blocks from home when they really started to 'feel the burn' and the whining ensued. Panting like a dog, Lily looks up at me with her crystal blue eyes and says, "Mom, next time? Let's take the CAR!"
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Towards the end of the school year, Ivy was introduced to soccer in gym class. She came home one day and began to tell me all about it. I thought to myself that if it was something she was interested in, there was a program at the local Y and I would enroll her. After a few moments of hearing minor details I asked if she liked playing soccer. She replied matter of factly, "Yeah, except for all the running!"
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Last summer, our family was lazing around the living room one evening while enjoying a television show. Suddenly, our dog (Skippy Joe), began running from one window to the next as if a prowler was about to break in and slay us all. Of course he caught our attention as he bulldozed over at least two of the children on the floor. We all watched him for several seconds as he ran from one window to the next and then, as quickly as it had started, it stopped. He went to his bed and laid back down. My step son, Christian, went to the front window to see if there was anything suspicious. He turned to us and said, "Hmmm... he must have heard a dog whistle or something." We all quickly returned our attention to the television. After several minutes, Ivy pipes up, "Hey! Dogs don't whistle!" The whole family erupted in laughter.
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Earlier this year, the day before Lily's 8th birthday, I stood at the stove preparing dinner. I had began having the girls take turns helping me make dinner every evening. This particular evening it happened to be Lily's turn. We were making small talk and enjoying our time together with no interruptions when I realized that it was almost her birthday. I turned to her and said, "So? Are you ready to be eight?" She looked at me. Her eyes opened widely. She took a step back and in almost a panicked voice said, "No, Momma!" Confused by her response, I said, "You're not? What? You don't want to be eight?" It was at that moment I realized what was happening. My little seven year old girl saw me standing in front of a stove, stirring the contents of pots and pans as they were steaming in front of me. She thought I was asking her if she was ready to be ate, as in eaten, and not eight, as in another year older. Damn the English language and its confusing homophones!

Ficky Pishes

Or picky fishes. Whichever you prefer. Last night, the family and I went on our 3rd fishing outing in 2 weekends. We have yet to catch a single fish. Now do you see why I call them picky? We've been to Embarrass Lake twice and went up to Hoodoo point on Lake Vermilion once. *raspberries to the fishes*

I think we'll try a different lake today. There are so many to choose from! Minnesota is the "Land of 10,000 Lakes" you know! We heard from one of our neighbors that Bear Head Lake is swimming with biting fish (remind me never to actually swim there). So, I think we'll head over that way some time today. It's supposed to be in the 70's for the first time this summer - the sun is already shining.

Let's hope we have the 'right' bait. So far, our minnows, our fake leeches, AND our real leeches have been busts. Maybe I'll try one of the kids and see how the fish like them.

Moving on...

Some of the things I'm planning to blog about in the coming months are the very things I'm leaping head-first into...

• Home Renovations - We're remodeling our basement, which has been completely gutted, and installing a wood burning stove. We're also gutting the main floor AND the 2nd floor, blowing in spray foam insulation on the exterior walls and putting everything back together again. *whew* I'm exhausted just typing all that.
• I'm going back to school! I've made the decision to finally... just. do. it. I'll be attending an accelerated adult learning program that starts September 8. Accounting will be my major. I've been keeping books for several companies for years and my dh, as bright as he is, told me that maybe I should be making the big bucks by getting my CPA. Talk about a 'light bulb' moment! duh.
• My wonderful family. My girls are growing up soooo quickly! They're forever doing and saying the funniest things and I love to document those things.

That's plenty to talk about, methinks!

It's over...

Yesterday at about 3:30 I went potty and saw some very light pink on the toilet paper. Of course, I panicked. I just knew it was over and I really wasn't pregnant. I cried and cried as my heart broke in a million pieces... again.

I checked myself about an hour later and there was even less and it was a little bit darker than pink. So, I wondered if maybe it was just some early bleeding and tried to calm down. I did a little research online and talked to a few friends. I learned that bleeding in pregnancy can be very normal. I felt a little better but decided to relax for a while and try to take it easy.

By 9:30 the spotting had completely gone away. I felt so much better! Since I hadn't cramped at all and the bleeding was very light, I was confident it was some sort of fluke 'early pregnancy' thing and looked forward to seeing my + test in the morning.

At 10:15 I went potty again. This time things didn't look so good. There was blood. Regular period blood. I couldn't contain my tears as I sat on the toilet and shook with grief. How could this be happening to me again?

After spending a few minutes crying on my husbands shoulder, I went to my room and hit my knees. I was overcome with emotion and began crying out to God. I won't share all the details of what I said because some of it wasn't very pretty at all. Suffice it to say that I have decided to give up. Trying to get pregnant month after month is hard enough, but when your body decides to play cruel and unusual tricks on you by being 6 days late? Well, that's just too much for me to swallow.

I'm sure it sounds as if I'm being a spoiled brat. I didn't get my way so I'm taking my ball and leaving the playground. And I suppose that's partially correct. But here's the real truth:

I'm tired.
I'm tired of waiting to ovulate.
I'm tired of the business sex.
I'm tired of waiting to test.
I'm tired of symptom spotting.
I'm tired of getting my hopes up.
I'm tired of the disappointment.
I'm tired of seeing my period month after month.
I'm tired of living my life in two week increments.
I'm tired of planning my life around a pregnancy that may never happen.
I'm tired of this roller coaster, so I'm getting off.

If God decides that I'm worthy and He wants to bless me with a baby, I'll take it. But I'm no longer asking for it. I'm no longer doing everything I possibly can to make it happen. I will live my life, cherish my family, and make love to my husband whenever I want to. We will continue to have 'unprotected' sex until I'm 37 or so (2 more years!) and then I'll likely go on the pill or the depo shot because my husband and I both believe that we will be too old to start over at that point.

So, there you have it. I quit. I give up. I surrender. My white flag is raised. Lord, either capture me or set me free.

Maybe it is?

Here's the test from this morning. My husband and I thought we could see a faint line and it's really harder to see it in this picture, so you'll just have to take my word for it. hahaha. I'm planning to buy some better quality tests today and test again in the morning.



There is still no sign of my period! I've noticed that my boobs are really sore, I'm having some cramping, and some nausea. This morning, there was some blood in the sink after brushing my teeth and I nearly hurled when I brushed my tongue. Could this all be in my head?


Lord Jesus, I'm looking to you now. Whatever your will is, Father God, is what I want for my life. You know the desires of my heart and you know what is best for me and my family. I trust you completely!


"And I'll praise you in this storm. I will lift my hands, for you are who you are, no matter where I am! Every tear I've cried, you hold in your hands. You never left my side..." - Casting Crowns

Tests are for the birds...

Yesterday I took a home pregnancy test (hpt) and it was negative. Today, I decided to take another one and it is inconclusive. The dang control line didn't show up! Isn't that just my luck?

There was a bit of blue dye smudged across the result window, but that was it. No definitive lines. What's up with that?

So, I will wait for the morning to test again... unless my period returns. Then I will have my answer. We shall see...

Trying so hard...

For the last 9 + months, my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. We were successful the first month we started trying, but sadly, I miscarried just a few days after finding out the good news. This has been a wicked roller coaster ride that I am ready to exit!

I was not prepared for the heartache. I naively assumed it would be easy for us. Boy, was I wrong! All the temping, the charting, the hip propping, the business sex, the ovulation test strips, the pregnancy tests, the vitamins, the anticipation, the waiting, the disappointment, the tears... I feel a hundred years older than when we started.

Currently, my period is late by about 4 days but the pregnancy tests are negative. This is the worst part, I think. My body is staging a revolt against me and there seems to be nothing I can do but stand by and watch this nonsense. It's irritating to say the least.

I curse all the years I spent on birth control, praying that I wouldn't get pregnant. Granted, I would not want a child with anyone but my husband, but I fear that I have wasted my fertility. My biological clock is ticking so loudly that I have to concentrate to hear anything else.

I do know, however, that God is faithful and good. He is working all things together for my good. He knows my heart and the desires of it and is holding me close as we walk through this fire together. I have prayed that if having a child is not in His will the desire to do so would be removed from my heart. Since praying that difficult prayer, the desire has only gotten stronger. I know that means my God is going to bless me. I just need to wait for Him.

Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Blog: 34, Me: 0

So, here I am. Once again. Trying to start yet another blog. Why I can't just pick up where I left off on the old one baffles me. I just cannot do it. I must start over. Fresh.

Alas, this is the umpteenth blog I've started. We'll see how long it lasts.

Ironically, I think the last 5 or 6 blogs started out with a very similar post. Hmmmmm....