It's over...

Yesterday at about 3:30 I went potty and saw some very light pink on the toilet paper. Of course, I panicked. I just knew it was over and I really wasn't pregnant. I cried and cried as my heart broke in a million pieces... again.

I checked myself about an hour later and there was even less and it was a little bit darker than pink. So, I wondered if maybe it was just some early bleeding and tried to calm down. I did a little research online and talked to a few friends. I learned that bleeding in pregnancy can be very normal. I felt a little better but decided to relax for a while and try to take it easy.

By 9:30 the spotting had completely gone away. I felt so much better! Since I hadn't cramped at all and the bleeding was very light, I was confident it was some sort of fluke 'early pregnancy' thing and looked forward to seeing my + test in the morning.

At 10:15 I went potty again. This time things didn't look so good. There was blood. Regular period blood. I couldn't contain my tears as I sat on the toilet and shook with grief. How could this be happening to me again?

After spending a few minutes crying on my husbands shoulder, I went to my room and hit my knees. I was overcome with emotion and began crying out to God. I won't share all the details of what I said because some of it wasn't very pretty at all. Suffice it to say that I have decided to give up. Trying to get pregnant month after month is hard enough, but when your body decides to play cruel and unusual tricks on you by being 6 days late? Well, that's just too much for me to swallow.

I'm sure it sounds as if I'm being a spoiled brat. I didn't get my way so I'm taking my ball and leaving the playground. And I suppose that's partially correct. But here's the real truth:

I'm tired.
I'm tired of waiting to ovulate.
I'm tired of the business sex.
I'm tired of waiting to test.
I'm tired of symptom spotting.
I'm tired of getting my hopes up.
I'm tired of the disappointment.
I'm tired of seeing my period month after month.
I'm tired of living my life in two week increments.
I'm tired of planning my life around a pregnancy that may never happen.
I'm tired of this roller coaster, so I'm getting off.

If God decides that I'm worthy and He wants to bless me with a baby, I'll take it. But I'm no longer asking for it. I'm no longer doing everything I possibly can to make it happen. I will live my life, cherish my family, and make love to my husband whenever I want to. We will continue to have 'unprotected' sex until I'm 37 or so (2 more years!) and then I'll likely go on the pill or the depo shot because my husband and I both believe that we will be too old to start over at that point.

So, there you have it. I quit. I give up. I surrender. My white flag is raised. Lord, either capture me or set me free.